How My Village People Ruined My Relationship – A Hilarious Tale

The art of Love Letter writing is dead and gone. Killed by science and technology. A tragedy, I must say. It was one of the best forms of expressing ones self and I took advantage of it.

I spent a lot of time writing love letters for my secondary school classmates to their girlfriends. I was so good at it. I could paint pictures with words. And of course I avoided those ambiguous words. Never for once did I use the sugar in my tea or cockroach in my cupboard routine. The cockroach thing is nonsense biko. That annoying and irritating creature has no business in anything that has to do with love.

Anyway there was this very beautiful girl who lived across the street. Anita. I had tried unsuccessfully to convey my feelings to her.

Her mom sold food so Anita had to help out and was never chanced. She was the last of 5 girls but older than the only boy Francis. Anita always gave me this smile every time I passed their stall. I looked for any excuse to walk past the stall. Sometimes I’d walk past there 15 times just for her smile.


She’liked to call me Ju Love or Shebi love. I was the only kid in the area who was “shebiing” courtesy my move from Lag to Kano. Took me years to switch to ‘ko’. That ‘Love’ she calls me used to scatter my punk. One time like that her mother wasn’t in the stall and I passed by as usual. Anita called out, “Ju Lov”. There was a quantum shift in equilibrium. Smiling like a fool l walked into tree. ‘Wawu’ the pain was intense but smile remained.

So I wrote her a letter. I racked my brain. My imagination was in hyper. I was going to bedazzle and bamboozle her. I poured my heart out. ! One day by chance she came to fetch water in my compound.and I gave her the letter for her personal consumption. Unfortunately village people had other plans.

I was at home when I heard noise outside. “Where that Junior. E dey write my pikin letter. Make him mama hold am o.” No escape route for me for at that moment cos I’d just finished washing plates and was arranging it. My mother looked at me and asked what the noise was about. I feinged ignorance. At that moment Anita’s mum came marching in, holding Anita by the ear and dragging her along. Boy was I so dead.

“Madam what’s the problem”, my mum asked. Anita’s mum heaving and panting passed the letter to mum and told her I’d written a love letter to her daughter. Everywhere went quiet.”Read what you wrote”, my mum said. I held the paper.


With one eye on the paper and the other eye on my mum, Anita and her mum I cleared my throat and began to read. “Dear Aniluv.” My mothers neck became erect. I moved back. Na die I dey today.

I continued. “My reason for writing this letter is that I may not get the chance to convey my deep feelings for you in person. We’re policed by our parents and are time constrained.” An Igbo woman in the compound just shouted “Supu”. I almost smiled even Anita too. Love sweet sha. I looked into my mum’s eyes see thunder and lighting. Nothing about love in those eyes.

“Your smile lights up my day. The way your tongue caresses my name leaves me in a state of euphoria and unbridled joy. When I don’t see you I lose all appetite for food.”My mother eyed me upandan like coman eat this night lemme see.”

I knew I was truly finished when I saw the next line. Na me write am. It was sweet when I wrote it but reading it to my mum? Death! “You’re a queen and I adore you. Please be mine. I will do anything for you. Climb mountains for you. Cross rivers and oceans. My mum is my jewel but you’re my crown jewel.”

I scattered 3 legs of the table I was standing on. I could not see any white part of my mothers eyes again. Everything was shinning red red. ‘Wozzzzzaaaaiiii’ I collected one on my left cheek and ear. The weight of the slap carried me into a pile of clothes she had arranged. She screamed “Finish that letter. She is your crown jewel okwa ya.”

Mama Junior take am sofrey na only letter o”, Anita’s mother whispered. My mother eyed her. The woman kuku draw her child near her side. Bhet wait! What was the woman expecting when she came to report me? That my mum would lovingly hug me and we would live happily ever after?

I got up barely seeing anything through tears and the ‘weeeennnn’ sound in my ear. “Your eyes are like the stars. Bright and twinkling. You’re shaped like a goddess. I could sleep on your bosom till eternity. So soft and………

‘Tazzzzzaiiiiii’! My mum dropped the second slap on the same spot. It was no longer ‘weeeeen’ sound it was ‘waaaaaaaaannnnnnnn’. I had scattered the remaining leg of the table. “So Chukwufumnanaya e metu be go ala( Chukwufumnanya you have started touching bwess)”, mum growled.

Heiiiii! This was really bad. I was sniffling holding back the tears and hot catarrh I felt like blowing, “No Mummy it’s….it’s….it’s…my imagination.”

“Ehen so you’re imagining bwess”, she shouted. Confused I replied “No mum it’s temporary thoughts.” She just picked the spatula and gave me at the top of my head ‘kooommm’ I don’t know when I shouted “Mummy it’s the devil that pushed me.” My mama no dey hear that kain nonsense. She gave me extra doses of semi permanent marks to remember the day by.

Village people 100. Me zero. I stopped passing Anita’s stall. In fact my eyes were always in front when passing. Then I went and watched adult video with her brother Francis but that’s another story.

©Rick

Source -xycnews

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